Just putting it down into words... thus putting it off?

I am re-reading the book I want to give to you.

There were twice tears in my eyes today.

First as I read the letter I wrote to you last year but never gave.

The other as I was imagining how I'll say goodbye to you in three weeks.

The image was that I, after all the small talk and some goodbyes in the hall of your room, would stand outside your door, and say 'close the door'. In the very closing, I would say 'I love you', thus not letting you any time to react but to let the door click close and never open again.. I would remain standing outside or disappear in thin air as my existence would probably have fulfilled its purpose..

Now I realize that that the scene is probably exatly the embodiment of how I am, in fact, really planning to say goodbye to you - leaving the book and the letter with you, while giving you no chance to respond..

.. to what end? Not to appear like the weak or pitiful one again? Not to touch in any way what is between you and Leon? Not to be disappointed again since I'd be giving you no chance to react? Probably all three of these.

This is not pathetic..

Today again

in a dream

Cranberries - Dreams.mp3